Monday, February 2, 2009

Not ready, not yet

This morning, I am sitting here sipping tea, and feeling like my life is on perpetual hold.

First, the baby. The baby is lying in a hospital crib, waiting for me to come and get him. Red tape is keeping him there. Apparently, they are trying to get funding to fly me over to Oahu again to pick him up. I have 1 enormous cylinder of O2, and 8 smaller ones to use when we are out and about, something the therapists encourage for stimulation. They said I am free to take him with me to run errands, eat out, pick up the kids, etc. Basically, I can live my daily life, with an oxygen tank and a baby carrier. Right on.

Second, the car. I guess this is still some form of PTSD, but I can barely RIDE in the new truck. I cannot even consider the thought of driving it. I just can't. I have been told this is normal, that the feeling of panic will pass, will ease, will eventually drift away. Since it is chipping away at my self esteem and affecting my day to day life in myraid ways, I am hoping this will happen sooner rather then later. I bought this new car because we NEEDED the extra room. So to own (and pay for) this car, and not be able to use it? Pretty damn annoying. So for now, Sami is driving it (very happily, I might add) and I am pouting and hyperventilating. I have to take a Xanax just to get in the damn thing.

So, on all fronts, I feel very restrained, very limited, very Not Myself.

I think I will clean the house (I told you, I am not feeling like myself !)

1 comment:

derfina said...

I can do ANYTHING provided I have xanax!